My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
honey bunches of taint.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
