If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
