At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
