They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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