Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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