everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
