Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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