Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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