a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
