She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
