You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
