96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
