god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
