It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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