shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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