those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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