How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
