I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
whose ass print is on the piano?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
