I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I love having hate sex.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
