when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
