Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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