my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
