the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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