so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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