What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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