I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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