made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
as a side note pls kill me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
