Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
