as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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