I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Randomize
