Your face is a jimmy john
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
