When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
