one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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