The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She even gives head with a lisp.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
