Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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