omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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