um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
