Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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