Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize
