If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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