3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Quick, to the slutcave!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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