Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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