I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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