Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
