tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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