we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
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