I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
