I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
