I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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