You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
